Déjà Vu

Hi October. I thought I just needed to write a blog entry for this month since I didn’t have one last year. I’ll make it a point to post at least once each month, just so I can track my state of mind on a regular basis. Anyway, my sister was raving about this film called *Jailbreak: Love On The Run* yesterday and recommended that I watch it since it's trending on Netflix. So, I decided to check it out to see what all the hype was about. 

*Jailbreak: Love On The Run* is about Vicky White, a 56-year-old female jail warden who falls madly in love with Casey White (yes, they share the same last name, which is strange, I know), a 39-year-old criminal. She gave up everything to be with him, ultimately losing her life. From the beginning, I thought it was kind of crazy. First of all, she risked her 17-year career and was about to retire, all for a man she knew would lead to her downfall. I just can't wrap my head around why some people choose chaos when they could take the safer path for a reason. The two were absolutely infatuated with each other, which led Vicky to run away with Casey for 11 days until they were caught. A car chase ensued, ending with a crash, and Vicky allegedly shot herself, possibly realizing that it was the end for her anyway. Casey survived and, of course, got an extended prison sentence. 

I believe in concepts like twin flames, soulmates, reincarnation, regression, past lives, and a lot of new age ideas. I think that in each lifetime, we meet someone who feels like a long-lost connection, even if you’ve just met. I’ve always had this notion that our souls are recycled and go through purification until they’re cleansed. If life feels miserable, regression could offer a glimpse into past lives to explain why our current one is filled with struggles. I often think that we keep getting reborn, with faint memories of people, places, or events—basically déjà vu. It’s that feeling of having been somewhere or experienced something before, even though you can’t pinpoint when or where. 

I think Vicky and Casey were twin flames because of their significant age difference, something I’ve learned about through numerous Tarot readings I’ve come across on social media. It’s said that two people destined for each other will meet in different lifetimes, but it will be chaotic. The tragic ending keeps repeating until their paths are streamlined. They’ll continue meeting in other lifetimes, eventually ending up together, or something along those lines. No matter the circumstances, they are bound to meet again. It sounds crazy, like reincarnation. But how else can we explain cases like the story of that 5-year-old boy I read about, who told his parents that he had died in World War II and even named his siblings and parents from that life? When his parents investigated, they found that the soldier he claimed to be had actually existed, and the names he mentioned matched perfectly, even though he had no way of knowing these details. 

While watching the film, I had a creative thought about how I would make a snippet or trailer for this movie, I would use the car chase scene, with *About You* by The 1975 playing toward the end when the car crashes and Vicky dies. I love the irony of a subtle song playing in the background of a tragic scene, much like how horror movies often use sappy 1940s music amidst all the gore.

Existentialism

My goal every year is to declutter my digital space as much as possible. It’s not that I haven’t deleted enough files; it’s just very difficult for me to let go of many digital files in my cloud storage and Google Drive, even if they’re from five or ten years ago. Some of that clutter seems to be part of my brain's long-term memory bank.

While I was focused on digital decluttering, I stumbled upon my old collection of music CDs, which led me to listen to quite a few of them. Some I had completely forgotten about, and I was surprised to find that I even had them, especially those records whose origins I couldn't recall. One of the CDs I rediscovered was from one of my favorite bands when I was a freshman in college: Imago. I used to listen to their album on my way to school while stuck in traffic, and I thought about how prolific their lead vocalist, Aya, is, since she wrote most of the band’s songs. The lyrics are often profound, radical, and sometimes spiritual. I heard she listens to Ani DiFranco, which inspired her to incorporate spoken word into some of the band’s songs—a unique touch that I appreciated back then.

I now consider their first album, *Probably Not But Most Definitely*, a classic. The first album is always the best; I’m not saying the subsequent albums weren’t good, but they sound quite different from the second album onward. There are still several tracks on their third album, *Blush*, that I really liked, and those tracks lingered in my mind for a long time. For instance, “So Be It” is one of the few songs I loved from their third album, and I still enjoy it today. While decluttering and listening to this song simultaneously, I had an a-ha moment and realized what the song is truly about after all these years.

“So Be It” is a song about surrendering and letting God lead the way. I’ve always loved this song for its melody rather than its lyrics, which didn’t resonate with me back then, even though I was sonically drawn to it. Perhaps it takes age to understand certain things, and my worldview back then was much different from what it is now, shaped by my life experiences. I then realized that Aya is a Christian, which explains the song's spiritual meaning. I am Catholic, though not a devout one, and I’ve recognized that my relationship with God has changed since my mom passed away. She was the religious one, and if she noticed I hadn’t been going to church, I would definitely get an earful. Believing in God keeps me sane, but my social awkwardness prevents me from attending church; I’d rather watch Sunday Mass via live streaming.

I teared up and I don't even know why after listening to “So Be It” in its entirety. I felt a pang of guilt for having lived my life solely on my terms while constantly asking God about my purpose. I guess I’m really getting older because I’m more focused on finding the meaning of my existence and my life purpose, often without trusting God’s will and His plans for me. So, I began to wonder: what if I let Him lead the way? Maybe I would find more meaning in this little life of mine. I realize I need to surrender to His will, maybe,  just maybe it’ll help me navigate through this never ending existential crisis of mine.

So be It song lyrics

Red-Nosed Raindeer

Holiday inspo 2024

Christmas comes early here in the Philippines—four months early, in fact—making our holiday season the longest in the world.

The Yuletide season remains my favorite because everything suddenly feels so magical. When you visit malls, they’re already beginning to deck the halls in all their shining, shimmering glory. I’m not sure what it is about this season, but it fills my heart with joy, reminding me of my childhood when my mom, who loved celebrating Christmas, would make it special. I think my twin sister inherited her love for the season and strong Christmas spirit. She has already finished shopping for Christmas presents and is now busy buying decorations. I can hardly keep up, as I prefer to rest on my days off and can’t be bothered. Still, I don’t want to dampen her festive spirit, so I feel obliged to shop for decorations too, haha! I usually just ask for links to buy Christmas decor online, place the orders, and let her wait for the deliveries.

This year, our color scheme is purple, gold, and coffee (or bronze?). My sister and I have agreed that next year, we’ll stop buying new baubles and decorations and stick to the colors we already have. We might go for traditional colors like gold, red, and green next year, but we’ll see how it goes. It’s mostly to cut down on holiday expenses and avoid accumulating a bunch of seasonal stuff. Let’s be honest—clutter is no fun. It’s a bit of a bummer that my sister and I are the only ones who enjoy decorating the house for the holidays; everyone else is just so boring! The only difference this year is that we have three new cats who haven’t experienced Christmas yet, so they’ll definitely get too excited and go straight for the tree. We’re already brainstorming ways to cat-proof the house this holiday season.

As for me, all I want this Christmas is fruitcake—and I’m not even a fan of sweet stuff, lol. It’s colorful, and most people seem to dislike it because of the rum, but I guess I like what most people don’t. Only 97 days until Christmas! Sleigh bells ring—are you listening?

A Heartfelt Film

It’s been a while since I last watched a movie that truly made sense. So when this movie went viral (it was only shown in Thai theaters so far), I became curious to watch it because everyone who saw it had nothing but nice things to say, calling it a tearjerker. I don’t often rely on hearsay since movies can be subjective—if it resonates with you, then it’s good. It’s all a matter of perception. But when Netflix acquired the rights to stream it, I couldn't wait to watch it.

Drama isn’t one of my favorite genres, to be honest, as I prefer horror and adrenaline-packed films—like *Fast & Furious*—something that will jar my often half-awake brain. However, my curiosity often leads me to explore things worth exploring, whether it be a film, a place, or something else intriguing.

Let me begin by saying that this film has beautiful cinematography—very raw. What you see is what you get. I miss these kinds of films; it’s like watching life unfold as it happens. The old houses and those metal accordion gates felt very familiar, reminding me of my upbringing in Manila, where most businesses are owned by Filipino-Chinese families. It felt like home. Not many people know this, but Thai people are mostly of Chinese descent, and in a way, we share similarities in terms of culture and values. Like the Thai, we Filipinos have close-knit family ties and care deeply for our elders.

The film is about Meng Ju, an elderly woman battling stage 4 colon cancer. She has three children, all married with families of their own. At first, her children didn’t want her to know about her illness, possibly to prevent further stress. Her grandson, M (yes, that’s his name), a university dropout, quits his job to care for her because he expects to inherit her house after she passes, giving him a place to live. Meng learns about her cancer because M, believing she has the right to know, tells her the truth—a logical decision.

One day, Khiang, Meng’s eldest son, visits her to persuade her to sell the house and move in with him so he can take care of her and relieve M of his caregiving duties. M, afraid of losing the house he hopes to inherit, tries to convince her not to sell, citing its proximity to her congee stall as a reason.

Sew, M’s mother, supports her brother Khiang’s decision to sell their mother’s house. At first, I thought the story was heading toward a typical scenario in many Asian families: the children wanting to profit from their parents’ property, split the proceeds, and move on. But as the story unfolded, I realized that wasn't the case. Meng agreed to sell the house to help her son Soei, the black sheep of the family, who is drowning in 100M of debt. It seems no family dynamic is complete without a black sheep.

When M finds out that his uncle Soei will benefit from the sale despite never caring for their grandmother, he is furious. He confronts Meng, asking why his uncle, who did nothing, will get the money while he has been caring for her in her final days and will receive nothing. Meng is moved to tears.

Meng passes away, and M is deeply involved in the wake, no longer holding a grudge. He participates because he truly cared for her, not because he was after the inheritance. One day, M receives a phone call, possibly from a lawyer or someone handling Meng’s estate. The film doesn’t reveal the details of the call, but it leaves M in shock. There’s a flashback of a conversation between M and Meng when he was a child. After picking him up from school, Meng asked what his wish was. He said he wanted to win 100M in the lottery so he could buy her a new house. I assume M got his wish, it was later on revealed that Meng saved up 100M under M’s name. I remember Meng leaving a note in a shrine wishing to win 100M. And that’s how the film ends.

I won’t lie—this film was incredibly moving, and I had a lump in my throat the entire time I watched it. It will make you cry if this kind of story resonates with you. I didn’t cry, maybe because I’ve never been in a similar situation, but I completely understand why Meng did what she did by risking her money for her prodigal son, Soei.

I’d like to share that it’s common in family dynamics to have one member who often loses their way. For example, in my family, my eldest sister was the most stubborn and difficult since her adolescent years. My parents devoted so much time trying to fix her, showering her with everything she wanted, but it didn’t help. My two other siblings and I grew close because we learned to be independent while our parents focused on my eldest sister, especially my mom. When I became an adult, I learned why my parents did what they did. My mom explained that a person will never understand the struggles of being a parent until they become one. Watching this film, I thought about that and realized it’s true: the black sheep often gets the reward, not because they worked hard for it, but because parents want to give the best to the child who needs it the most. 

Renewable Bug

I tend to catch a recurring cold every month of June. So when I didn’t get sick last June, I thought my body might have finally purged the stubborn cold bug by consistently drinking ginger and lemon tea, which are natural antibiotics and antioxidants. However, lo and behold, I felt a cold coming whilst in the middle of my shift when I started experiencing post-nasal drip and lightheadedness. At first, I thought it was just allergic rhinitis, since it can be hard to discern sometimes. I told myself, "Congrats, this cold bug is here to stay."

I don’t like going to the doctor when I get sick unless home remedies don’t work. Why? Because going out while you're sick can make you feel worse and spread pathogens. Plus, colds are very treatable at home—all you need is ample rest, water therapy, cold meds, and sleep, and it usually goes away in about three days, at least in my experience. Since I went vegan six years ago, I heal incredibly fast—unlike before, when a cold would last me a week. I guess another factor is that I’m less stressed now since I started working remotely many years ago.

Still, I prefer to stay home because I read somewhere that Covid has a new variant called KP.2 (I don’t care anymore, even if it reaches XYZ), plus there’s the monkeypox virus. So, better to stay away from crowds, which I’m good at anyway. I never got vaccinated for Covid either because the last time I had a flu shot (the free ones administered by the company where I used to work), I had an adverse reaction to it, for some odd reason, considering I don’t even have allergies except for rhinitis.

I think I’m feeling a little better now after taking Bioflu three times, every six hours, on the first day I had a cold, drinking heaps of water, and sleeping a lot earlier than usual. I managed to survive another work week despite sounding too nasal and feeling woozy.

I think I have an annual contract with this cold bug, which I didn’t even sign up for nor affix my signature to, yet it’s stubbornly persistent and renewable.

Surface Level

I've decided to tone down my hair from a bleached blonde to a darker, more subtle shade. Honestly, I think I just got tired of all the attention the blonde hair was attracting—the kind of attention I really don’t want. It’s like every time I go out, people do a double-take, as if they’ve seen me before or know me from somewhere. For someone who prefers to stay under the radar and enjoys blending into the background, it's exhausting.

I can’t help but wonder why others with the same hair color can go unnoticed, but I can’t. Why is it that, even in a crowded room, when I’m deliberately trying to stay out of sight, I still end up being noticed? For example, when I was working onsite, I’d sit in the farthest corner during townhalls—last row, right or left edge—yet somehow, my coworkers would always find me. Even people I barely knew seemed to know me. It’s just strange.

Then there are the times when I get offered a seat in standing-room-only situations, or when cars stop to let me cross the street, even on a busy road. Do people see something I don’t, like a guardian angel hovering over me? I often get treated like I’m fragile or in need of help, but I feel more like an Amazonian warrior who can take care of herself. What’s up with that? Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Maybe it’s because I wear makeup or make an effort to look good and smell nice when I go out. It makes me question if the world really is this superficial—where appearances matter more than anything else, and surface-level impressions override the deeper aspects of who we are. 

So Be It

I try to distance myself from toxic people as much as possible because they negatively affect my mental health. Unfortunately, this includes someone very close to me—my Dad. During most of my childhood, I spent more time with my Mom, who was always present and supportive. My Dad, on the other hand, was a workaholic and often away on business. We rarely talked or spent time together until after he retired, by which time I was already an adult. Even then, our conversations often left me feeling distressed. His energy and presence can be overwhelming and emotionally draining.

To be clear, my Dad is a responsible father, and I respect him for that. But our relationship has always been challenging. He's an extrovert, while I’m an introvert, and this clash of personalities has made it difficult for us to connect. Despite my elder sister’s efforts to explain my nature to him, he has never really understood how I prefer solitude and find peace in being alone. Whether it's because of his traditional values or just a lack of understanding, he can't grasp how I live my life without constantly being around people. This gap in understanding has strained our relationship to the point where I felt the need to distance myself from both of my parents after college, even though I love my Mom dearly. She’s a devoted wife and wouldn’t leave my Dad’s side, so I made the difficult choice to move away.

Over the years, my Dad would visit me, but those visits were often filled with negativity—rants and complaints that seemed endless. My twin sister eventually invited me to live abroad with her, and I eagerly accepted, hoping to escape our Dad’s toxic influence. Life overseas was good, but homesickness set in, and we decided to return home when our Mom begged us to come back. Looking back, I’m grateful we did because two years later, she passed away. It felt like fate had given us the opportunity to spend her final years close to her.

As for my Dad, I haven’t spoken to him much since our return. It's not that I hate him—I don’t. But every time I try to check in and ask how he’s doing, our conversation quickly spirals into negativity, with him lamenting about the difficulties of life or fixating on morbid topics like death. It’s heartbreaking because he’s retired now and should be enjoying life, focusing on the positives rather than the negatives. I’ve reached a point where I just want to be around happy, uplifting people. If that’s too much to ask of him, then so be it. I need to protect my peace.