Existentialism

My goal every year is to declutter my digital space as much as possible. It’s not that I haven’t deleted enough files; it’s just very difficult for me to let go of many digital files in my cloud storage and Google Drive, even if they’re from five or ten years ago. Some of that clutter seems to be part of my brain's long-term memory bank.

While I was focused on digital decluttering, I stumbled upon my old collection of music CDs, which led me to listen to quite a few of them. Some I had completely forgotten about, and I was surprised to find that I even had them, especially those records whose origins I couldn't recall. One of the CDs I rediscovered was from one of my favorite bands when I was a freshman in college: Imago. I used to listen to their album on my way to school while stuck in traffic, and I thought about how prolific their lead vocalist, Aya, is, since she wrote most of the band’s songs. The lyrics are often profound, radical, and sometimes spiritual. I heard she listens to Ani DiFranco, which inspired her to incorporate spoken word into some of the band’s songs—a unique touch that I appreciated back then.

I now consider their first album, *Probably Not But Most Definitely*, a classic. The first album is always the best; I’m not saying the subsequent albums weren’t good, but they sound quite different from the second album onward. There are still several tracks on their third album, *Blush*, that I really liked, and those tracks lingered in my mind for a long time. For instance, “So Be It” is one of the few songs I loved from their third album, and I still enjoy it today. While decluttering and listening to this song simultaneously, I had an a-ha moment and realized what the song is truly about after all these years.

“So Be It” is a song about surrendering and letting God lead the way. I’ve always loved this song for its melody rather than its lyrics, which didn’t resonate with me back then, even though I was sonically drawn to it. Perhaps it takes age to understand certain things, and my worldview back then was much different from what it is now, shaped by my life experiences. I then realized that Aya is a Christian, which explains the song's spiritual meaning. I am Catholic, though not a devout one, and I’ve recognized that my relationship with God has changed since my mom passed away. She was the religious one, and if she noticed I hadn’t been going to church, I would definitely get an earful. Believing in God keeps me sane, but my social awkwardness prevents me from attending church; I’d rather watch Sunday Mass via live streaming.

I teared up and I don't even know why after listening to “So Be It” in its entirety. I felt a pang of guilt for having lived my life solely on my terms while constantly asking God about my purpose. I guess I’m really getting older because I’m more focused on finding the meaning of my existence and my life purpose, often without trusting God’s will and His plans for me. So, I began to wonder: what if I let Him lead the way? Maybe I would find more meaning in this little life of mine. I realize I need to surrender to His will, maybe,  just maybe it’ll help me navigate through this never ending existential crisis of mine.

So be It song lyrics