Adieu 2024

2024 is almost coming to a close. It’s been a good year—not a great one, though—because, like any other year, it had its own challenges. As for me, this year was alright. My siblings and I adopted three strays and gave them a “fur-ever” home, which was quite unexpected. The first cat my sister and I adopted after moving up north is now 12 years old, and it took us 10 long years before we had another. That second cat is a sweet, 2-year-old Calico kitten from our neighborhood. I’d always wanted a Calico ever since I saw a massive 3D billboard in Japan’s Shibuya Crossing on social media. It featured a Calico cat staring at pedestrians, much like a real cat enjoying the view from a window, and I found it absolutely adorable.  

Most of my wishes came true this year. However, my siblings and I had been hoping for a cat of a different color, which we still don’t have. We didn’t want to buy one, as we’re against purchasing animals when so many strays need homes. Unexpectedly, my eldest sister in the south mentioned a cat family—a black mother cat and her three kittens—that had suddenly appeared at her house. My niece began feeding them since they visited frequently. When she sent us pictures, one kitten immediately caught our attention. Its eye color and fur made it clear it was a Siamese, a breed uncommon in the Philippines but often seen roaming temples in Thailand.

Sadly, one of the kittens, a Calico, passed away for reasons we couldn’t determine—maybe she was the weakest of the litter. Heartbroken, we decided to adopt the remaining three cats, including the mama. We arranged for a pet transport service to bring them from the south to the north, which took about 12 hours (because of the pets they pick up and drop off to their destinations during stops) but was a smooth and comfortable journey for them. Now, they’re all healthy and happy. This year, we had Luna, the mama cat, spayed, and our project for 2025 is to have the two boy kittens neutered to give them a better and longer life.  

On the downside, I’ve been quite complacent about my health this year, which turned out to be a mistake. I skipped my annual doctor’s visit because I hate the long wait times—seriously, doctors are always hours late. I regretted this decision when I started falling sick frequently during the last quarter of the year. Instead of spending Christmas joyfully, I had to make a mandatory trip to the doctor for prescriptions and ended up nursing a cold and a persistent cough. I was prescribed antibiotics and felt miserable while everyone else was busy celebrating. The cats, sensing my fever, swarmed around me the entire time. Lesson learned: health truly is wealth. No matter how hard you work, it’s all for nothing if you don’t take care of yourself. I’m grateful to the Almighty for not forsaking me despite all my health struggles this year.

To wrap up 2024, I’d say I explored some new places. I checked out a new Korean coffee shop in town, took a last-minute trip with my sister, and revived my love for collecting things—fridge magnets and Pop Mart’s Hirono and Skullpanda figures. I recently got a couple of Skullpandas, and I was ecstatic about how eccentric they were.  Another highlight of the year was letting go of old grudges. I forgave people who had wronged me, even if they never apologized. I realized I don’t want to harbor hatred—it’s just not worth it.  I don’t have New Year’s resolutions, but I’ve promised myself to take better care of my health in 2025. I also plan to focus more on myself instead of pouring all my time and energy into others while neglecting my own needs. Next year, I want to prioritize my well-being, do things that make my soul happy, and treat myself more. I’ve given my best to others—it’s time to do the same for myself.  So, goodbye, 2024. You weren’t the best, but you weren’t the worst either. I’m hopeful that 2025 will be brighter—not just for me but for my country as well. Despite the challenges our nation has faced in recent years, I believe this too shall pass. I remain hopeful that someday, new leadership will bring positive change.

Here’s to a better year ahead.  🎇

'Tis The Season

I don’t know why, despite living in a house surrounded by massive pine trees, I can’t seem to find peace. I guess it’s just the traffic in my head, as I talk to myself a lot. My mind is constantly jumping from one errand to another, even though I haven’t finished the task at hand—whether it’s a household chore or something I’m organizing. It leaves me feeling completely restless.  

And let’s not even talk about the season. A supposedly short trip to the supermarket drains me because of the swarm of people. The once-cold climate now feels like summer, not because of the locals, but because of the influx of people from out of town.  

Anyway, I decided to stay home instead of spending my day off outside. The sheer number of people makes me feel like water melting—I just want to seep through pipes to avoid being squished. So, I’ll keep myself busy shopping for groceries online, even if the delivery fees are hefty. It’s just more convenient during this season. Let’s face it: a trip to the local shops isn’t worth it right now. Instead, I’ll focus on planning our holiday tablescapes and menu.  

Sissy has already conceptualized our holiday tablescape, but I know it’ll change at the last minute—fickle-mindedness always wins with women. Honestly, I do the same with my outfits. No matter how carefully planned they are the day before, I often change my mind minutes before leaving, obsessing over which color combinations match my shoes or earrings.  

For now, we’re going with purple, bronze, and gold for the tablescape. I bought transparent charger plates, purple table napkins, and a tablecloth to match, but something still feels off. It doesn’t spark joy, so we’ll probably need to spruce it up—it’s looking a bit sad and outdated. 

December is, without a doubt, the most expensive month of the year. Blame it on culture, religion, and commercialism. If the Spaniards hadn’t colonized the Philippines, we probably wouldn’t even have Christmas! Gift-giving isn’t mandatory, but let’s be honest—where’s the Christmas spirit without it? It’s like an unspoken obligation, even though no one outright says it’s required.  

On another note, my senior cat has been quite sickly lately. He’s so stubborn, always licking the floor for some odd reason. Cats are truly strange creatures. I’ve been begging him to postpone his sickness because the traffic to the vet is insane, not to mention the hefty vet bills. Senior cats are a lot like senior humans—they’re stubborn and seem to take joy in breaking the rules. Tell them not to do something, and they’ll do it even more, as if the world is ending.  

This year, I’ve been the laziest when it comes to Christmas shopping. I guess it’s because everything can be bought online now, so the thrill of asking people what they want is gone—they can just get it themselves. Maybe someday, everything will just magically appear before our eyes, given how fast technology is advancing.  

As for me, my happiness doesn’t come from grand things but from tiny trinkets—bits and bobs of cute stuff. I don’t even know what they are, but I’ll recognize them when I see them.  

Wandering Soul

I think I've finally reached my ultimate burnout stage, and I feel bad for my sister, who has become the sponge for all my rants. One day, I just blurted it out and decided to go on a trip, which didn't really leave her with much of a choice but to go along with my spur-of-the-moment craziness. I'm always the impulsive one. Luckily, she's excellent at making our travel itineraries, no matter how last-minute it is. I don’t know how she does it, but she does. It’s a skill I haven't been able to adapt to because I’m used to planning ahead but I’m also impulsive—so go figure. Somehow, it works for me in some strange way.

Anyway, I decided to make the most of my couple of days off and traveled six hours away with little sleep and no clear plans—no idea where to go or what to do. I asked my sister to book our accommodation the night before, although I had already packed my bags two days ahead, thinking I might travel soon, just not knowing where. When I told her I was going, she said she couldn’t let me travel alone. So technically, she was compelled to come with me on this trip because I hadn’t slept enough, and it could lead to a series of unfortunate events, especially after a graveyard shift. Off we went on this impromptu trip, purchasing tickets just minutes before the bus left.

The 6-hour journey was supposed to be grueling, but my squeamishness about traveling after such a long time took over. I barely slept the whole time, maybe because of the Vietnamese coffee my sister let me have hours before. I wasn't in the best state during the trip because I kept forcing myself to stay awake to enjoy the beautiful view from the window. The cold, fresh air from the window tempted me to sleep, but I kept telling myself, “Snap out of it! You can't sleep right now!”

Day 1 officially began when we arrived just after 2 PM. After more than six hours without sleep and no breakfast, we finally reached our destination, but somehow, exhaustion didn’t get in the way. After locating our accommodation and paying tourist fees, we went to a trending spot that we found on TikTok. We didn’t pick it because it was famous—honestly,

we couldn’t care less about that—but because it served vegan/vegetarian dishes, which are still uncommon in this country for some reason.

The food was great, with big portions that left us feeling like we had eaten all day. It was a bit on the pricey side, as expected with mostly vegan and vegetarian dishes. What I loved about the cafe was the view and the rustic aesthetic. Plus, the people running it were very personable. It felt like a café/souvenir shop, which was cool.

The last time we visited this town was 16 years ago, and a lot has changed. The roads are better now, and there are many hole-in-the-wall cafés and endless places to stay, so you can pick one upon arrival. What keeps this town's charm intact is that they don’t allow outsiders to own property or businesses, keeping things local, which is a good thing in many ways. Despite the progress, the town’s old charm remained.

Day 2: We decided to have breakfast at a restaurant just a short walk from our lodging. The place had been around for a long time and had expanded. It used to be a small diner made of pine wood, but now it’s four times its original size and has a fine-dining vibe with an American country home feel. The photographs of the natives, which tell the town’s history, are still there. We were a bit disappointed that there weren’t many vegetarian options on the menu, but since we were famished, we had to make do with what was available. The town has a few places with vegetarian options, but they’re mostly located on the outskirts.

After breakfast, we took a walk for some fresh air and also figured out where to purchase tickets for our return trip the next day. We visited a church we had gone to a long time ago, and not much had changed. It was an Episcopalian church, so we just stopped by since it was open to the public, but it was empty. The first time we went there, it was summer, so it was packed. November is the best time to visit because it’s not tourist season, just lots of backpackers from different countries.

By noon, we weren’t very hungry, so we stopped at a place that sold homemade wheat bread and bought a few to take away. For lunch, we picked another hole-in-the-wall café, just a short walk from the bakery, which also offered vegetarian food. I had their vegetarian curry, and my sister had pesto pasta. Before heading back to our accommodation, of course, we couldn’t leave without bringing home the famous lemon pie the town is now known for. Our older sibling had specifically asked for it. To cap off the day, we went to this food spot which holds a special place in our hearts. We had visited it before with our mom when she was still alive. This time, instead of a full meal, we opted for some refreshing cold treats—because in this town, it’s hard to ever feel truly hungry. Maybe it’s the weather. As night descended, we began getting ready for our early morning journey back.

Day 3: We took the earliest bus back home, which left at 5 AM, and it was pitch-black outside! I was totally exhausted, but I’d definitely do it all over again. Like I always tell myself, “Go, just go.” Skip the whole planning thing. There’s nothing more exhilarating than traveling spontaneously and unannounced. Just make sure you have travel funds—that’s all. Maybe out of the country next year? Who knows. First, I’ll make sure I’m physically fit for it. My goal for now is to get ample rest. 😴

Self-repair

 

Lately, I’ve been caught in a cycle of self-doubt and procrastination. I realize I need time away to focus on finding inner peace because I’ve been struggling with my own inner battles. I feel drained, stuck in negativity, and constantly questioning whether my best efforts are ever enough.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what the coming year might hold and considering the changes I need to make. Right now, I feel like a tumbleweed, drifting aimlessly without direction. I think I need to escape somewhere where I can breathe fresh air and reconnect with myself. Moving forward feels essential, and I believe traveling more next year could help me regain clarity and purpose.

I’m searching for balance and working to shake off the weight of negativity I’ve been carrying. I crave the warmth of the sun, the excitement of new places, and a clearer vision for what’s ahead. I need to heal—I feel like a broken machine trying to piece itself back together.

Little Treasures

Hatsune Miku, Satoru Gojo, Kasugano Sora
& Ana Folger figures

Ok, so I promise to stop at five of these Hirono, and then I’ll move on to collecting Pop Mart's Skull Panda. As I said, I don’t hoard; I just collect a few. My interest in anime figures waned, and I stopped at eight because I moved on to collecting Hirono. Anyway, collecting gives me a sense of identity, emotional comfort, and enjoyment. Unboxing these pieces makes me feel like a child, giddy with excitement. It’s a brief escape from adulthood.

The emergence of Hirono figures

Lang created the character Hirono for Popmart. With Hirono, Lang aimed to capture the full range of human emotions—love, joy, sadness, fear, kindness, and even moments of vulnerability.

Robot 

The characters bear the inscription

I am not a toy, a plea to recognize their worth and not discard them easily. As robots dedicate their entire lives to serving humans, they are often discarded after aging or making a minor mistake.

Series: The Hirono Little Mischief series by Pop Mart is about a mischievous character named Hirono who loves getting into trouble and playing pranks.

Warrior

Hirono often shows a protective side, which is the essence of this warrior figure. He stands ready to defend what he considers home.

Series: The Hirono Shelter series is a blind-box collection by Pop Mart that conveys the search for peace and solace in a chaotic world.

Devilry

Red, to cover up cowardice, and pretending to be strong. The world continually

evolves into a new identity, driving away uneasiness.

Series: The Hirono Mime series by Pop Mart is a collection of blind-box toys exploring themes of identity, complex emotions, and the hidden pathways of the human mind.

Reference: 

Tiktok: @fortherwin_

Sundaze

I've been watching a lot of The 1975 lately because their videos keep bombarding my feeds. I don’t know, I just love watching Matty Healy do his own thing on stage, singing as if he’s in a world of his own, like he just doesn’t care. His stage antics can be both annoying and enjoyable, making you envious of how carefree he seems—with a bottle of alcohol in one hand and a mic in the other, traversing the stage like no one’s watching. I have to admit, the band’s songs are a magnet for people who are addicted to sadness, heart-wrenching, and melodic music.

I never knew about The 1975 until I heard “About You.” The song is so painfully personal that listening to it feels almost intrusive, like the lyrics belong in a private journal. But I guess it resonates with a lot of people, which explains its popularity.

This is just me taking my mind off things because I want to disappear so badly these days. I wish I could just go back indefinitely. I wish I may.

Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness

I'm back on the graveyard shift, and I literally feel like a ghost working at night again. But that’s life. My body clock has been irrevocably damaged from all the past schedule changes, so nothing's likely to bring it back to normal. I avoided visiting graveyards this All Souls' and All Saints' Day because I hate the crowds. 

Living in a really touristy area means even the graveyards are swarmed with people who often treat them like campsites, losing the true essence of the season. As much as I wanted to visit my mom's niche, I didn't go—it’s a sad place for me, and I talk to her every night or day (?) before I sleep to tell her about my day, whether it’s been rough or not.

One nice thing about columbariums is that they’re blessed by a priest and prayed over every November 1st. Still, I prefer solitude when I visit my mom’s urn; I don’t need to chit-chat or make small talk with strangers.

Anyway, moving on. My siblings decided to join the neighborhood in the whole trick-or-treat thing, which didn’t happen on the 31st due to bad weather, so it was postponed to yesterday. Not that I cared—I was asleep and just heard a loud cheer that startled me awake. I almost fell out of bed, only to realize the noise came from kids excitedly trick-or-treating and enjoying the candy my siblings prepared for them. In short, it was a hit.

I can already feel the Christmas breeze these days. The cold front is finally here, and for someone like me, who’s always cold, it feels like borderline hypothermia.

Working at night makes me feel like a ghost, hovering back and forth. 

Déjà Vu

Hi October. I thought I just needed to write a blog entry for this month since I didn’t have one last year. I’ll make it a point to post at least once each month, just so I can track my state of mind on a regular basis. Anyway, my sister was raving about this film called *Jailbreak: Love On The Run* yesterday and recommended that I watch it since it's trending on Netflix. So, I decided to check it out to see what all the hype was about. 

*Jailbreak: Love On The Run* is about Vicky White, a 56-year-old female jail warden who falls madly in love with Casey White (yes, they share the same last name, which is strange, I know), a 39-year-old criminal. She gave up everything to be with him, ultimately losing her life. From the beginning, I thought it was kind of crazy. First of all, she risked her 17-year career and was about to retire, all for a man she knew would lead to her downfall. I just can't wrap my head around why some people choose chaos when they could take the safer path for a reason. The two were absolutely infatuated with each other, which led Vicky to run away with Casey for 11 days until they were caught. A car chase ensued, ending with a crash, and Vicky allegedly shot herself, possibly realizing that it was the end for her anyway. Casey survived and, of course, got an extended prison sentence. 

I believe in concepts like twin flames, soulmates, reincarnation, regression, past lives, and a lot of new age ideas. I think that in each lifetime, we meet someone who feels like a long-lost connection, even if you’ve just met. I’ve always had this notion that our souls are recycled and go through purification until they’re cleansed. If life feels miserable, regression could offer a glimpse into past lives to explain why our current one is filled with struggles. I often think that we keep getting reborn, with faint memories of people, places, or events—basically déjà vu. It’s that feeling of having been somewhere or experienced something before, even though you can’t pinpoint when or where. 

I think Vicky and Casey were twin flames because of their significant age difference, something I’ve learned about through numerous Tarot readings I’ve come across on social media. It’s said that two people destined for each other will meet in different lifetimes, but it will be chaotic. The tragic ending keeps repeating until their paths are streamlined. They’ll continue meeting in other lifetimes, eventually ending up together, or something along those lines. No matter the circumstances, they are bound to meet again. It sounds crazy, like reincarnation. But how else can we explain cases like the story of that 5-year-old boy I read about, who told his parents that he had died in World War II and even named his siblings and parents from that life? When his parents investigated, they found that the soldier he claimed to be had actually existed, and the names he mentioned matched perfectly, even though he had no way of knowing these details. 

While watching the film, I had a creative thought about how I would make a snippet or trailer for this movie, I would use the car chase scene, with *About You* by The 1975 playing toward the end when the car crashes and Vicky dies. I love the irony of a subtle song playing in the background of a tragic scene, much like how horror movies often use sappy 1940s music amidst all the gore.

Existentialism

My goal every year is to declutter my digital space as much as possible. It’s not that I haven’t deleted enough files; it’s just very difficult for me to let go of many digital files in my cloud storage and Google Drive, even if they’re from five or ten years ago. Some of that clutter seems to be part of my brain's long-term memory bank.

While I was focused on digital decluttering, I stumbled upon my old collection of music CDs, which led me to listen to quite a few of them. Some I had completely forgotten about, and I was surprised to find that I even had them, especially those records whose origins I couldn't recall. One of the CDs I rediscovered was from one of my favorite bands when I was a freshman in college: Imago. I used to listen to their album on my way to school while stuck in traffic, and I thought about how prolific their lead vocalist, Aya, is, since she wrote most of the band’s songs. The lyrics are often profound, radical, and sometimes spiritual. I heard she listens to Ani DiFranco, which inspired her to incorporate spoken word into some of the band’s songs—a unique touch that I appreciated back then.

I now consider their first album, *Probably Not But Most Definitely*, a classic. The first album is always the best; I’m not saying the subsequent albums weren’t good, but they sound quite different from the second album onward. There are still several tracks on their third album, *Blush*, that I really liked, and those tracks lingered in my mind for a long time. For instance, “So Be It” is one of the few songs I loved from their third album, and I still enjoy it today. While decluttering and listening to this song simultaneously, I had an a-ha moment and realized what the song is truly about after all these years.

“So Be It” is a song about surrendering and letting God lead the way. I’ve always loved this song for its melody rather than its lyrics, which didn’t resonate with me back then, even though I was sonically drawn to it. Perhaps it takes age to understand certain things, and my worldview back then was much different from what it is now, shaped by my life experiences. I then realized that Aya is a Christian, which explains the song's spiritual meaning. I am Catholic, though not a devout one, and I’ve recognized that my relationship with God has changed since my mom passed away. She was the religious one, and if she noticed I hadn’t been going to church, I would definitely get an earful. Believing in God keeps me sane, but my social awkwardness prevents me from attending church; I’d rather watch Sunday Mass via live streaming.

I teared up and I don't even know why after listening to “So Be It” in its entirety. I felt a pang of guilt for having lived my life solely on my terms while constantly asking God about my purpose. I guess I’m really getting older because I’m more focused on finding the meaning of my existence and my life purpose, often without trusting God’s will and His plans for me. So, I began to wonder: what if I let Him lead the way? Maybe I would find more meaning in this little life of mine. I realize I need to surrender to His will, maybe,  just maybe it’ll help me navigate through this never ending existential crisis of mine.

So be It song lyrics

Red-Nosed Raindeer

Holiday inspo 2024

Christmas comes early here in the Philippines—four months early, in fact—making our holiday season the longest in the world.

The Yuletide season remains my favorite because everything suddenly feels so magical. When you visit malls, they’re already beginning to deck the halls in all their shining, shimmering glory. I’m not sure what it is about this season, but it fills my heart with joy, reminding me of my childhood when my mom, who loved celebrating Christmas, would make it special. I think my twin sister inherited her love for the season and strong Christmas spirit. She has already finished shopping for Christmas presents and is now busy buying decorations. I can hardly keep up, as I prefer to rest on my days off and can’t be bothered. Still, I don’t want to dampen her festive spirit, so I feel obliged to shop for decorations too, haha! I usually just ask for links to buy Christmas decor online, place the orders, and let her wait for the deliveries.

This year, our color scheme is purple, gold, and coffee (or bronze?). My sister and I have agreed that next year, we’ll stop buying new baubles and decorations and stick to the colors we already have. We might go for traditional colors like gold, red, and green next year, but we’ll see how it goes. It’s mostly to cut down on holiday expenses and avoid accumulating a bunch of seasonal stuff. Let’s be honest—clutter is no fun. It’s a bit of a bummer that my sister and I are the only ones who enjoy decorating the house for the holidays; everyone else is just so boring! The only difference this year is that we have three new cats who haven’t experienced Christmas yet, so they’ll definitely get too excited and go straight for the tree. We’re already brainstorming ways to cat-proof the house this holiday season.

As for me, all I want this Christmas is fruitcake—and I’m not even a fan of sweet stuff, lol. It’s colorful, and most people seem to dislike it because of the rum, but I guess I like what most people don’t. Only 97 days until Christmas! Sleigh bells ring—are you listening?

A Heartfelt Film

It’s been a while since I last watched a movie that truly made sense. So when this movie went viral (it was only shown in Thai theaters so far), I became curious to watch it because everyone who saw it had nothing but nice things to say, calling it a tearjerker. I don’t often rely on hearsay since movies can be subjective—if it resonates with you, then it’s good. It’s all a matter of perception. But when Netflix acquired the rights to stream it, I couldn't wait to watch it.

Drama isn’t one of my favorite genres, to be honest, as I prefer horror and adrenaline-packed films—like *Fast & Furious*—something that will jar my often half-awake brain. However, my curiosity often leads me to explore things worth exploring, whether it be a film, a place, or something else intriguing.

Let me begin by saying that this film has beautiful cinematography—very raw. What you see is what you get. I miss these kinds of films; it’s like watching life unfold as it happens. The old houses and those metal accordion gates felt very familiar, reminding me of my upbringing in Manila, where most businesses are owned by Filipino-Chinese families. It felt like home. Not many people know this, but Thai people are mostly of Chinese descent, and in a way, we share similarities in terms of culture and values. Like the Thai, we Filipinos have close-knit family ties and care deeply for our elders.

The film is about Meng Ju, an elderly woman battling stage 4 colon cancer. She has three children, all married with families of their own. At first, her children didn’t want her to know about her illness, possibly to prevent further stress. Her grandson, M (yes, that’s his name), a university dropout, quits his job to care for her because he expects to inherit her house after she passes, giving him a place to live. Meng learns about her cancer because M, believing she has the right to know, tells her the truth—a logical decision.

One day, Khiang, Meng’s eldest son, visits her to persuade her to sell the house and move in with him so he can take care of her and relieve M of his caregiving duties. M, afraid of losing the house he hopes to inherit, tries to convince her not to sell, citing its proximity to her congee stall as a reason.

Sew, M’s mother, supports her brother Khiang’s decision to sell their mother’s house. At first, I thought the story was heading toward a typical scenario in many Asian families: the children wanting to profit from their parents’ property, split the proceeds, and move on. But as the story unfolded, I realized that wasn't the case. Meng agreed to sell the house to help her son Soei, the black sheep of the family, who is drowning in 100M of debt. It seems no family dynamic is complete without a black sheep.

When M finds out that his uncle Soei will benefit from the sale despite never caring for their grandmother, he is furious. He confronts Meng, asking why his uncle, who did nothing, will get the money while he has been caring for her in her final days and will receive nothing. Meng is moved to tears.

Meng passes away, and M is deeply involved in the wake, no longer holding a grudge. He participates because he truly cared for her, not because he was after the inheritance. One day, M receives a phone call, possibly from a lawyer or someone handling Meng’s estate. The film doesn’t reveal the details of the call, but it leaves M in shock. There’s a flashback of a conversation between M and Meng when he was a child. After picking him up from school, Meng asked what his wish was. He said he wanted to win 100M in the lottery so he could buy her a new house. I assume M got his wish, it was later on revealed that Meng saved up 100M under M’s name. I remember Meng leaving a note in a shrine wishing to win 100M. And that’s how the film ends.

I won’t lie—this film was incredibly moving, and I had a lump in my throat the entire time I watched it. It will make you cry if this kind of story resonates with you. I didn’t cry, maybe because I’ve never been in a similar situation, but I completely understand why Meng did what she did by risking her money for her prodigal son, Soei.

I’d like to share that it’s common in family dynamics to have one member who often loses their way. For example, in my family, my eldest sister was the most stubborn and difficult since her adolescent years. My parents devoted so much time trying to fix her, showering her with everything she wanted, but it didn’t help. My two other siblings and I grew close because we learned to be independent while our parents focused on my eldest sister, especially my mom. When I became an adult, I learned why my parents did what they did. My mom explained that a person will never understand the struggles of being a parent until they become one. Watching this film, I thought about that and realized it’s true: the black sheep often gets the reward, not because they worked hard for it, but because parents want to give the best to the child who needs it the most. 

Renewable Bug

I tend to catch a recurring cold every month of June. So when I didn’t get sick last June, I thought my body might have finally purged the stubborn cold bug by consistently drinking ginger and lemon tea, which are natural antibiotics and antioxidants. However, lo and behold, I felt a cold coming whilst in the middle of my shift when I started experiencing post-nasal drip and lightheadedness. At first, I thought it was just allergic rhinitis, since it can be hard to discern sometimes. I told myself, "Congrats, this cold bug is here to stay."

I don’t like going to the doctor when I get sick unless home remedies don’t work. Why? Because going out while you're sick can make you feel worse and spread pathogens. Plus, colds are very treatable at home—all you need is ample rest, water therapy, cold meds, and sleep, and it usually goes away in about three days, at least in my experience. Since I went vegan six years ago, I heal incredibly fast—unlike before, when a cold would last me a week. I guess another factor is that I’m less stressed now since I started working remotely many years ago.

Still, I prefer to stay home because I read somewhere that Covid has a new variant called KP.2 (I don’t care anymore, even if it reaches XYZ), plus there’s the monkeypox virus. So, better to stay away from crowds, which I’m good at anyway. I never got vaccinated for Covid either because the last time I had a flu shot (the free ones administered by the company where I used to work), I had an adverse reaction to it, for some odd reason, considering I don’t even have allergies except for rhinitis.

I think I’m feeling a little better now after taking Bioflu three times, every six hours, on the first day I had a cold, drinking heaps of water, and sleeping a lot earlier than usual. I managed to survive another work week despite sounding too nasal and feeling woozy.

I think I have an annual contract with this cold bug, which I didn’t even sign up for nor affix my signature to, yet it’s stubbornly persistent and renewable.

Surface Level

I've decided to tone down my hair from a bleached blonde to a darker, more subtle shade. Honestly, I think I just got tired of all the attention the blonde hair was attracting—the kind of attention I really don’t want. It’s like every time I go out, people do a double-take, as if they’ve seen me before or know me from somewhere. For someone who prefers to stay under the radar and enjoys blending into the background, it's exhausting.

I can’t help but wonder why others with the same hair color can go unnoticed, but I can’t. Why is it that, even in a crowded room, when I’m deliberately trying to stay out of sight, I still end up being noticed? For example, when I was working onsite, I’d sit in the farthest corner during townhalls—last row, right or left edge—yet somehow, my coworkers would always find me. Even people I barely knew seemed to know me. It’s just strange.

Then there are the times when I get offered a seat in standing-room-only situations, or when cars stop to let me cross the street, even on a busy road. Do people see something I don’t, like a guardian angel hovering over me? I often get treated like I’m fragile or in need of help, but I feel more like an Amazonian warrior who can take care of herself. What’s up with that? Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Maybe it’s because I wear makeup or make an effort to look good and smell nice when I go out. It makes me question if the world really is this superficial—where appearances matter more than anything else, and surface-level impressions override the deeper aspects of who we are. 

So Be It

I try to distance myself from toxic people as much as possible because they negatively affect my mental health. Unfortunately, this includes someone very close to me—my Dad. During most of my childhood, I spent more time with my Mom, who was always present and supportive. My Dad, on the other hand, was a workaholic and often away on business. We rarely talked or spent time together until after he retired, by which time I was already an adult. Even then, our conversations often left me feeling distressed. His energy and presence can be overwhelming and emotionally draining.

To be clear, my Dad is a responsible father, and I respect him for that. But our relationship has always been challenging. He's an extrovert, while I’m an introvert, and this clash of personalities has made it difficult for us to connect. Despite my elder sister’s efforts to explain my nature to him, he has never really understood how I prefer solitude and find peace in being alone. Whether it's because of his traditional values or just a lack of understanding, he can't grasp how I live my life without constantly being around people. This gap in understanding has strained our relationship to the point where I felt the need to distance myself from both of my parents after college, even though I love my Mom dearly. She’s a devoted wife and wouldn’t leave my Dad’s side, so I made the difficult choice to move away.

Over the years, my Dad would visit me, but those visits were often filled with negativity—rants and complaints that seemed endless. My twin sister eventually invited me to live abroad with her, and I eagerly accepted, hoping to escape our Dad’s toxic influence. Life overseas was good, but homesickness set in, and we decided to return home when our Mom begged us to come back. Looking back, I’m grateful we did because two years later, she passed away. It felt like fate had given us the opportunity to spend her final years close to her.

As for my Dad, I haven’t spoken to him much since our return. It's not that I hate him—I don’t. But every time I try to check in and ask how he’s doing, our conversation quickly spirals into negativity, with him lamenting about the difficulties of life or fixating on morbid topics like death. It’s heartbreaking because he’s retired now and should be enjoying life, focusing on the positives rather than the negatives. I’ve reached a point where I just want to be around happy, uplifting people. If that’s too much to ask of him, then so be it. I need to protect my peace.

.XML

It’s surprising how I’ve lost some of my skills over the years. I used to create my own web pages and remember finding FrontPage and Dreamweaver such enjoyable pastimes. Now, I can barely read html codes. I used to tweak templates I downloaded online and make them my own, but now I feel like I’ve lost so much of my creativity, and this makes me extremely sad. I’m just reflecting on how much of myself I will lose over the years because it seems like age is starting to rob me of a lot of things. I hate it.

Blogspot used to have a lot of really nice templates that I could tweak, but now I see many effortless ones that boast nothing but bits and bobs of headers and logos that aren’t creatively thought out. I guess that’s why I enjoy Canva more these days, because the designs are highly customizable, and I love to customize everything. It showcases my unique perspective. I’m just glad I kept this over-a-decade-old .xml Blogspot template in one of my cloud folders—nothing beats the old Blogspot templates; they’re rad. I don’t even know why I stick with Blogspot, even though it seems to be going away soon, carrying with it 15 years of my thoughts, writings, and scribbles. I tried moving to WordPress, but I didn’t like it; it sucks and bored me to death.

Hey August

It's been a rainy and gloomy start to the month. I think if there's one thing I'll never get used to while living in the City of Pines, it's the constant rainy days and the fog every time the temperature drops. If you've lived in the southern part of the Philippines for most of your life, the slow and chill life in a cold, often damp, and highly elevated place will always amaze you. You'll wonder how people endure the slow-paced living when you're used to always rushing to get home, to work, and to finish your tasks in no time. I just can't slow down. I've tried, but it's like going against the swarm of people heading in one direction; you just feel like you're getting squished in and will trip at any moment out of dizziness.

Anyways, another downside is that the cold and the rain make me extremely sad for no reason. This climate just invites melancholy a lot. Oftentimes, it feels like winter without the snow. Not to mention, I've been listening to Cordelia a lot lately, which makes me wallow in undefinable sadness even more. I guess her songs are quite magnetic despite the sweeping sadness. I'm just wondering lately why working out on a treadmill brings out the worst in me. It feels more like working out purges my happy hormones when it should be the other way around. Maybe I'm just not normal. I feel like if there were a zombie apocalypse, the zombies would ignore me as if I didn't exist. Maybe my blood type is AB negative.

Life So Far

I can't believe we're already halfway through the year again. Anyway, I've been busy saving the world, three cats at a time (well, two kittens and one adult cat). The kittens have gained some weight, which makes me happy. We have been gradually introducing them to our two resident cats to avoid literal cat fights.

I've been listening to a lot of music lately because I find comfort in it. Recently, Billie Eilish's "Birds of a Feather" has been playing frequently on my Spotify playlist. Its catchy tune has made it my latest earworm. I don't mind, though; it's melodic and relaxing, perfect for the cold, rainy, and gloomy days we've been having. Initially, I thought it was another catchy love song, but my curiosity led me to discover that it's actually about sibling love. Billie wrote it for her brother Finneas, as they have been close since childhood. 

This song goes out to my sister, who has always been there for me despite being stoic to a fault. She always said I was angry all the time and has coped with my hormonal imbalances, listening to my rants and all. As I've gotten older, my musical tastes have evolved, and I'm now open to other genres. I've realized that there are great mainstream musicians who, while commercially viable, still have deep influences. Billie Eilish, for example, can really sing and hit high notes, unlike many others who rely on auto-tune.

Meanwhile, I've recently rekindled my interest in collecting things. I used to collect fridge magnets, but the pandemic dampened my enthusiasm for travel. My passion for collecting was reignited when I discovered these toy figures called Hirono, which come in multiple series. At first, I thought they were just toys for the young at heart, but then I realized each one has depth and seems to represent people left in a dystopian world. I've always been fascinated by steampunk, and these Hirono figures are like a neater version of that. 

My goal is to collect only the pieces that resonate with me because I want to collect, not hoard. There's a big difference. I recently purged my life—or rather, my closet and space—so I have no room for things that don't spark joy in my life. As Marie Kondo says, joy is personal, and everyone experiences it differently. She describes it as “…a little thrill, as if the cells in your body are slowly rising.” By selecting only the things that inspire joy, you can identify precisely what you love and need.

Rare Days

Sometimes, it's difficult to be an INFJ because there are two sides of me living in one body. One is listening to Björk's "It's Oh So Quiet" while the other is to Portishead's "Glory Box." I am a walking contradiction, residing in my brain's two hemispheres and my heart's left and right chambers. So what's my point? One moment, I can be sappy, and then shortly after, I'll quickly shift to being cheery.

Today, the sky is blue, and it's quite overcast. It's quiet both in my head and in the house, which sounds like a ghost town except for the sound of the kittens playing with their scratcher and the rotating balls underneath it sound like mini pool balls when they collide. 

I prefer to be alone these days. I value my peace and quiet more. I just long for sunshine lately and a good sleep. I'm looking for a good read, something to calm my nerves, which is ironic because I dread watching horror movies that will scare me out of my wits while I long for peace and calm. Am I crazy, or am I just extremely different?

Anyways, this is just where I dump my thoughts, which don't belong anywhere but here.

Wolf

I don't want to come across as a b*tch, but I can be from time to time, especially if my patience is being tested and my resilience has run out. My level of patience has certain layers to it; I even have buffers, to be honest. However, the moment it runs out, I can also be ruthless. It takes too much to bring out the worst in me. 

I really hate being bombarded by direct messages, especially during my time off from work. It triggers me, more so if it’s coming from a narcissistic person I despise. This is related to my previous post about a colleague at work who loves to pick on me. Just because I am ignoring her doesn’t mean I am passive. I just hate getting stressed out over superficial things that are not worthy of my time. As I always say, the world has bigger problems than mine. However, if it becomes non-stop, I can shift from a sheep to a wolf real quick. People like her are beginning to take a toll on my mental health and trigger my anxiety. I have ample self-control and refuse to take part in nonsensical "battle of the ego" crap. But because she bothered me with triggering messages during my day off, I had to respond in a "bitchy" manner because I've had enough. If she plays the victim, she better be my guest. I’m not going to be nice to her this time.

I try to keep an open mind, especially towards people who dominate the meek and quiet ones. I believe these people behave this way as a response to trauma, likely because they were treated poorly in the past. Instead of breaking the cycle, they perpetuate it. People who are defensive often feel they weren’t good enough or smart enough, hence their high guard and constant defense mechanism. However, any introverted individual whose peace feels invaded would retaliate, especially if their intelligence is being challenged by someone who thinks highly of themselves. That’s a different story altogether, no matter how physically, emotionally and mentally taxing it may be, I’m not going to shrug it off.

Narcy

I'm heartbroken because my friend at work is leaving, and I feel really sad about it. I tried to discourage her by pointing out that finding remote work these days is quite difficult. The work-from-home market has become saturated, making the competition intense and the hiring process much longer. Many people, especially those who used to work for BPO companies, are fed up with office politics and the toxic environment. Everyone just wants to avoid commuting and work from the comfort of their homes.

Speaking of working with difficult colleagues, one of her main reasons for leaving was because of a very challenging teammate. I completely understand her feelings, as I share the same sentiment. This colleague is the epitome of a narcissist, and in all my years of employment, I've never encountered someone quite like this. It was surprising to come across such a personality in a remote work environment.

This colleague of ours doesn’t listen to anyone. She thinks she’s the best and considers everyone else to be incompetent. When you point out her mistakes, she goes into full defensive mode, acting as if she’s under attack by an invisible enemy. I strongly believe that growth comes from being open to feedback and constructive criticism. When you're new in a job, you need to approach it with a clean slate, setting aside past experiences and ego to facilitate learning and improvement.

From the beginning, I sensed something was off about this person. When one of our teammates corrected her, she became defensive and mentioned that she used to be a "Project Manager," even though no one asked. Our teammate let it slide to avoid conflict, displaying true resilience. I used to be a Mediation/Case Manager for a UK-based e-commerce company, but I never brought it up because it wasn't relevant. Mentioning past roles as a defense mechanism is simply bragging and trying to assert dominance, which is unnecessary and unprofessional.

As time went on, she started personally attacking me by criticizing my approach to resolving issues at work. This, of course, irked me. As an INFJ (see my previous blog post), I adhere to the "doorslam" approach: when we're fed up with someone who has tested our patience, we ignore them and, in extreme cases, consider them "dead." While I don't consider her entirely dead, I view her as a zombie because her work is full of loopholes. Despite this, I try my best to remain diplomatic, though I'm on the verge of snapping.

Things escalated when she backstabbed me without my knowledge, causing my friend to flare up and confront her, leading to their argument. Thankfully, it's a remote setup, or I might have had to mediate between them, much like I did in college when breaking up a catfight between friends, which left me with a few scratches. When my friend confronted her about her mistakes, Narcy (a nickname for our narcissistic colleague) complained that I needed "coaching" because my approach was "different," which made me laugh given her disorganized and sloppy work. She wastes company funds on unauthorized services and leaves incomplete notes in case files.

I've noticed more of my tenured teammates leaving, likely because they don't want to work with her, although they never admitted it. Actions speak louder than words. I, too, would like her out, as she's extremely difficult and toxic. I thought only my friend and I felt this way until I heard through the grapevine that many of our teammates have noticed she consistently leaves incomplete case notes, lacks accountability, and prefers to blame others, leaving the mess for the rest of us to sweep.

People like her disrupt my calm, but she's not worth my hate, time, or energy. I have better things to focus on than dealing with narcissistic individuals who think they're always right while their key performance indicators suggest otherwise. I'm just saddened to lose a friend who I could confide in when times were tough. However, I always want those who are dear to me to be happy, wherever life may take them.

MBTI INFJT

Sometimes, it's like a breath of fresh air to talk to someone who is on the same wavelength as you, whether they share your generation, personality, or traits. It feels like you just click without needing to know or ask personal questions. Once, during a slow day at work, I spoke with a colleague who I had known since I was a newbie at the company. Despite not knowing much about each other except our ages, origins, and a bit about our past jobs, we became good friends. We confide in each other about work and sometimes discuss music, nostalgia, and pop culture.

She once mentioned how she finds public speaking daunting and being around people challenging, which I could relate to. I told her I shared her sentiments because I am an introvert. She then asked me what my MBTI** type was, which confused me until I remembered a test I took in the past. I replied that I am an INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging), and she revealed that she is too! It was a relief to find someone of my kind, even though we might differ in our subtypes. I turned out to be an INFJ-T (Turbulent) which is not as bad as it may sound, I'll explain further later. The INFJ personality type is actually rare, making up only about 1% of the population.

So, what is an INFJ? I'll share some insights from an article on Forbes Health:

**INFJ Type Strengths:**

- Creativity

- Strong ethical values and beliefs

- Altruism

- Compassion and empathy

- Inspiration and support for others

**INFJ Type Weaknesses:**

(and how it applies to me)

- Sensitivity to criticism (depending on how it's expressed, if its constructive or demeaning)

- Overly self-critical (true for me, but not excessively)

- Difficulty opening up to others (yes i'm a very private person)

- Easily bored with ordinariness (absolutely)

- Prone to burnout due to passion and perfectionism (yes, hate to admit but burnout is life for me)

- Stubbornness (I admit, 'No' means 'Yes')

 Common INFJ traits include compassion, idealism, sensitivity, and being reserved. There are two subtypes: assertive advocate (INFJ-A) and turbulent advocate (INFJ-T). INFJ-As are confident and relaxed, while INFJ-Ts experience more self-doubt and anxiety.

I fall under the INFJ-T category because everything mentioned above is true for the "Turbulent Advocate" subtype. I think my coworker/friend might be an INFJ-A because she's always composed, even when things are bad. You wouldn't even know she's upset. For instance, one time we had to resolve a seemingly impossible task at work. I didn't know she was already bawling until she told me while I thought all along she was just joking lol, as we communicate only through this workspace messaging system.

Honestly, I may be an INFJ-T, which is normal but rare. Despite my lack of chattiness, most people find me hilarious—maybe my sense of humor is just crazy or amusing to others. On a serious note, knowing your personality type is beneficial because it helps you understand yourself better, especially if you're feeling confused or out of place. It's not bad to be unique and rare, even if you feel like a goat in a flock of sheep...or something. 🙄

**The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®) Step I is based on Carl Jung's theory of psychological type. It indicates your personality preferences in four dimensions: Where you focus your attention – Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I) The way you take in information – Sensing (S) or INtuition (N)